the little things that made me feel this way ♥
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
if I'm not wrong, it is the last day of school for the graduating students today? I don't know, I read Jamesss' blog about him going to sing the National Anthem for the last time today, I have that very strong feeling that it's true. I don't know why, so suddenly right after I read that post, I felt HORRIBLE.
visualise it, feeling horrible.
feeling horrible because you think you feel that there's something you had not done, and you might never get the chance to do it really, very, soon.
feeling horrible because you had not done something enough yet.
feeling horrible because you had been pretending to be a cool-ster, taking and doing everything so slowly.
feeling horrible because you never thought that this moment would arrive so quickly.
feeling horrible because you fear that you might lose something that you held onto for so long.
feeling horrible because you have so little time left.
feeling horrible because,
it all just feel horrible to you.
it sounds like as if I'm dying or it's apocalypse. I don't know why am I feeling this and behaving this way. I'm just so afraid of losing Dixie; afraid of us not communicating after he graduates, afraid that he wouldn't care, afraid of the truth that he doesn't even give a damn about me. I sound like some desperate little girl and I feel horrible for that. I criticise girls like that, but why am I behaving like one now? Fwahhh!
I feel horrible.
I've been longing to tell him everything.
but there's just this thing that all homosapiens feel that prevents me from doing so; the fear of rejection, the fear of hearing the truth that he didn't care from the start, the fear of knowing that you had been wasting your time.
it also has to do with his studies. I would never want to see someone I cherish dearly, struggling unnecessarily. I thought of appraoching him and all after his exams. but for now, my bubble is burst, for good. there's no way we could communicate as well as before. Fuck MSN. I would not see him again until the Prom night. & during then there would be too many people around for me to talk to him.
it just feels horrible.
yeah the cliche line people use:
That someone does not have to be by your side even if you love that someone very dearly. Just as long as that someone is happy, be happy for that someone. Now that's love.
it's true, but as you all know,
it's all easier said than done.
I feel so horrible.
Dixie isn't a strummer.
Nor is he a good singer.
But I made an exception for him,
just because I cherished him so dearly from the start.
you can be the most handsome basketball player on the team, you can talk on MSN like thissSss :) :) :) to me, you can be taller than 175cm, you can walk me to the bus-stop and make a fool out of yourself, you can cheer me up with just a smile from you, you can have any hairstyle that doesn't make you look bad in any way.
but there's only one Dixie Chua that I know.
only one who makes me happy even if I was crying the second before, only one who has that really funny voice to tickle me, only one who has that smirk who makes me wanna pinch his face.
yeah.
half of me doesn't want to speak.
the other half urges me to speak.
am I doing it right?
because it all just feels so wrong now.
it all just feels so horrible.why.
FIOZO SAYS SO.